The Laws of FanFiction Regarding Haruno Sakura
by maliciousqueen
Summary: Sakura had some weird things happen to her in fanfiction. Kakashi wants to do the horizontal-tango with her, Akatsuki adopts her and most horrifying of all - Sasuke realises he wants to make babies with her forever! What's a female ninja to do?
1. Chapter 1: Smokin' Baby

**A/N**: Hello. I'm MQ and this is my first Naruto fic. I got this idea from a fan-fiction I read somewhere (I cannot for the life of me remember who wrote it, so if you are reading this, this fic is dedicated to you). This is a parody of some of the common themes I found about Sakura in fan-fiction. I hope you guys like it and please review. Thanks. =)

**The Laws of Fan-fiction Regarding Haruno Sakura**

_**Chapter 1: Smokin … Baby**_

It was a normal morning like any other in Konoha. The skies were blue, the birds were chirping and Tsunade was on her record 5th sake bottle for the hour… yup, life was good. Unfortunately for the unsuspecting citizens of Konoha however, their lives were about to be turned upside down… and it all started with a certain pink-haired kunoichi…

Haruno Sakura of Team 7 woke up today to the bright morning light shining in through her window. She stretched and yawed, seemingly oblivious to the change she had undergone during the night. As she stood up however, she realized something was different. She felt heavier than before… and her back hurt. Her centre of gravity was off and it seemed to have shifted up to her chest.

_Huh? My chest?_

Sakura looked down.

She screamed.

**Law #No.1: For some reason, Sakura suddenly has a body sexy enough to rival that of Tsunade's.**

"What the hell?" she spluttered, rushing over to the mirror and gazing in stunned amazement at her body.

She had _boobs_ (_Hallelujah!) _to rival that of her mentor, Tsunade-Shishiou, and a waist and derriere that would make any girl green with envy. Her hair had miraculously grown to waist length overnight.

Normally, Sakura would have jumped for the moon at receiving such precious gifts of T&A but she was too bewildered to do anything except gape. Gone was her slender and lithe body, her back was aching from the weight of her breasts (_how the hell does Tsunade-Shishiou keep her back straight with these things?)_ and she just felt off.

As Sakura was staring at the way her t-shirt strained against her chest (_and was starting to tear from the sheer volume_), she realized that now all her clothes would not be able to fit her.

Especially her bras.

She yelped and ran to the wardrobe, flinging the doors open and trying on every article in there. As the heap of discarded clothes grew higher, the initial panic began to take hold of her again. _Shit…oh shit… I don't have anything I can wear! Damn, I can't go down like this! My dad would get a heart-attack!_

There was really only one thing to do.

She needed to see Tsunade-Shihiou.

Ripping the bedsheets from the bed and tying it around her toga-style, Sakura threw open the window and leaped onto the roof of the building next to her house. She directed chakra to her feet and sped off towards the Hokage Tower, praying desperately that no one would see her.

As it was, today was simply not her day.


	2. Chapter 2: To Sir, With Love

**A/N:** Wheee. No reviews, but two story alerts. This chapter is dedicated to **Big Paja** and **cool44**. =D

Oh, and I forgot to add a disclaimer in the first chapter, so here it is:

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Naruto, I wouldn't be writing this.

Enjoy Chapter 2!

**Chapter 2: To Sir, With Love**

Kakashi was indulging in his favourite pastime on the rooftop of his apartment building. The trademark orange-covered Icha Icha Paradise book was in his hand and he was giggling like a school-girl with a blush on his face as he read a particular paragraph:

"_Hisashi-san," whimpered the bed sheet clad nymphet as she struggled beneath the powerful grip of the silver-haired man above her._

"_Ssh… my hime. I promise to be gentle," he purred into her ear, a hand fisting itself in her long, luscious pink locks. "My, my, what a lovely body you have!" he added, running another hand down her well-endowed body. "You certainly have grown into a fine young woman..."_

"Oh ho ho ho ho…"

As Kakashi continued his perverted giggling, secretly imagining himself in the place of Hisashi-san, he did not notice the pink and white blur headed towards him until –

WHAM!!!

Kakashi found himself tumbling over in air with whatever that hit him to crash onto the rooftop of the building below. The figure was below him and he found his face buried into something white, soft, and warm.

_This feels nice…_ he thought groggily, not wanting to get up until he heard his name called out from the figure below him.

"Kakashi-sensei?" The voice was soft, hesistant.

_Yes, my hime_, his mind answered, still groggy, but he reluctantly pushed himself up.

The first thing he noticed was a pair of overly large mammary glands at his eye level.

The second thing he noticed was that the figure had long, luscious pink hair.

Lastly, he noticed the wide, horrified jade green eyes of his former pupil Haruno Sakura.

"What the-?!!!" as his mind finally came back to his full senses, he leapt off his extremely embarrassed student and waved his hands in front of his face, sweating profusely.

"S-s-s-Sakura-chan! Wha-what are you- Why are you- Boobies?!" stammered the poor man, slapping a hand over his mouth as the last word hit him. "I-I-I-I mean, er… why are you… er… inappropriately dressed? An-and er… how come you've got boobi- I mean er… a…figure?"

If there was one thing Sakura wished with all her heart, it was that right now she wished that she could disappear. Of all the people in Konoha, she had to bump into Hatake Kakashi.

She would never be able to look him in the eye again.

_At least it was not Naruto, or God-forbid, Jiraiya-san!_ Her mind replied as it tried to soothe her.

That thought did manage to calm her down… somewhat. Kakashi was still doing the jumpy cat dance and summoning all of her will, she managed to make her voice steady as she addressed the former ANBU member:

"Kakashi-sensei, I'd appreciate it if you forgot what happened just now. You did not see anything. I did not see anything. Please let's just forget this so we can go about our lives normally."

Kakashi stopped prancing around and stared at her.

He looked away again, blushing anew.

"Um… Sakura-chan, perhaps if you'd cover your boob- chest…"

There was an embarrassed silence as Sakura quietly shrieked and quickly grabbed a part of the bed sheet over her chest.

"Ahem… is it okay now?" asked Kakashi.

"Yeah… um… so…"

"Right, it never happened. Nothing happened today!"

"Yes! We never met! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha!"

As the both of them released nervous laughter, the sheet slipped off Sakura's chest again and Kakashi whipped his head around quickly, a hand covering his face mask. _Damn it!_

Sakura quickly retied the sheet again and hopped off, heading towards her original destination with a quick, muttered "Ja ne!" to Kakashi.

As Kakashi stared after her retreating figure, his hand removed itself from his face mask to show it covered with blood. Conflicting thoughts were racing about in his head.

_Maybe it is time to start thinking about producing heirs for the Hatake Clan…_

**Law #No.2: Kakashi suddenly develops a Lolita complex for Sakura.**

****

A/N: What new horror awaits our poor pink kunoichi? Stay tuned to find out! Muahahaha!


	3. Chapter 3: Like Master, Like Student

**A/N**: Wow. 6 reviews already? I'm amazed. Thank you so much for the reviews and for those who have put my story on alert and faved it, thank you so much as well. Sakura is going to end up more weirdness (well, for her, anyway). Lol. I'm having fun writing this, but I'll admit this chapter isn't up to standard. Still, I hope you enjoy this. There is no law in this chapter, but in the next, as this was originally one part. However, I decided to spilt it as I was having trouble writing the other half.

**Disclaimer**: Naruto + Affiliated characters = Not mine

**Chapter 3: Like Master, Like Student**

Tsunade was sleeping off the effects of drinking eight sake bottles (complete with drool) before 9.00am in the morning. Having partied the night away (the occasion was her completion of all the paperwork that had been handed to her for that week), the Sannin decided to spend the next day sleeping as much as possible. She had instructed Shizune and her officers to strictly not disturb her, and not allow anyone else to disturb her as well.

Therefore, when a pink and white blur burst through the windows of her office, Tsunade was understandably pissed. In an astonishing flash of speed, she leapt at the intruder, a chakra-filled fist raised, ready to pummel the idiot who dared disturb her, only to find her fist blocked by an equally chakra-laden fist and a pair of jade green eyes staring right back at her.

For the second time that day, Sakura found herself pinned down by someone, only this time the experience was not so much embarrassing as frightening. Her shishiou's face was red with anger and she had barely managed to block the chakra-laden fist aimed at her. When recognision dawned on the Sannin's face, Sakura seized the chance to blurt out her plea:

"Tsunade-shishiou! Please forgive me for disturbing you but something happened to me and I need your help and guidance!"

Tsunade blinked. Her beloved pupil was in trouble? Normally, Tsunade would have readily helped her (Sakura rarely asked for help outside of training) but today, with a hangover, she felt rather disinclined to do so…

…Until that is, she noticed the rather… obvious… additions to Sakura.

Like Kakashi, Tsunade leapt off her pupil in shock and stared in amazement as Sakura got up gingerly, dusting the bed-sheet she was clad in and turned a bewildered face to her teacher.

"Tsunade-shishiou, please help me! I woke up today with these… things, "she indicated her chest, "and I don't have any clothes to fit me and… and… I bumped into Kakashi-sensei… and…and… what is happening to me?! How could I have grown breasts these size overnight?! Isn't that impossible?! They hurt my back! ACK, Tsunade-shishiou! I don't understand anything!"

Tsunade watched her pupil flail around for a moment before grabbing her shoulders and turning Sakura to face her.

"Sakura, calm down. Take deep breaths…go on, deep and slow….that's it. Now, listen to me. I know this is completely unreal but I went through the same thing you did when I was your age. One moment I was flat-chested, the next moment I had a figure to knock guys out. I don't know why it happened, but…." Here, Tsuande stood up and hollered for Shizune.

A moment later, a sleepy-looking Shizune appeared at the doorway.

"Tsunade-sama, what is it? Why is Sakura-chan with youooo-EEEAAHHH!!!! DEAR KAMI!!! SAKURA-CHAN! WHAT IN THE WORLD-! YOU LOOK LIKE TSUNADE-SAMA!"

"Be quiet, Shizune! I don't want anyone else coming up here! I need you to go and get some clothes from my wardrobe for Sakura here, and get some money as well."

"Tsunade-shishiou, what is the money for?"

"We're going shopping! My treat, and don't protest. I have been wanting to get some new stuff myself anyway, so we'll kill two birds with one stone."

As Shizune went to get the clothes and money, Tsunade gripped her pupils shoulders again (ignoring the painful wince from Sakura), an expression of motherly pride on her face.

"My little pupil has finally grown up! You have the assests of a woman, and they are now your number one weapons, so treasure them carefully!"

"…" Sakura wasn't exactly sure what to say to that, but she bowed her head in thanks and acknowledgement. Shizune returned and Sakura quickly slipped into Tsunade's clothes of a simple, sleeveless kimono top and knee-length pants.

"Heh! Now, Shizune, Sakura, let's get ready! The stores of Konoha are waiting for us!"

Clad rather scantily in Tsunade's clothes (the kimono top could barely cover her expended chest), Sakura had a very bad feeling of foreboding as she followed the two women out of the room. _Somehow, I know my day is about to get a lot worse…_

**

**A/N**: Chapter 4 will be up soon, so look out for it! I know it is a dull chapter, but bear with me. The fun really starts in the next chapter, when all the males in Konoha beholds the newly vamped Sakura. kukukukuku....Pls review! Thanks!


	4. Chapter 4: And All The Boys Think

**A/N**: Hey Everyone. I'm sorry for the delay. I was having my exams (I forgot to mention it last chapter) and now I'm busy trying to finish my final year project for polytechnic (that's like collage for those who don't know). My muse has also decided to take a Christmas vacation, so I had a lot of problems writing this. *sigh* To be free again… *sobs*

On a lighter note…to all my reviewers, I can't thank you guys personally this time round , so here's a big thank you for your reviews. You guys keep me going. =D I'll continue at the bottom, so enjoy the story for now…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto. Wheeeee.

_Previously in Chapter 3:_

_As it turns out, Sakura was right. No one could have foreseen the effects the rippled out from the first moment Sakura stepped out of the Hokage Tower. The entire episode was later to be known as the Attack of the Boobs, and it would change the shinobi world forever…_

**Chapter 4: And All The Guys Think I'm Pretty Fly…**

**Law No. 3: Every available man in Konoha will inconceivably fall for Sakura...**

Hyuuga Neji was walking along the market streets of Konoha deep in thought. It had become a recent habit of his to take long walks around the shinobi village and he found it suitable for him to conduct some deep reflection on himself.

Today however, the question in mind was not on how he should improve himself in mind, body and spirit, but rather of the sudden announcement by the Hyuuga Clan leader, Hyuuga Hisashi, that Neiji needed to start looking for a bride.

Generally, most large clans support early marriages, especially since the life of a ninja was more often than not short, so marrying and producing the next generation ensured that the clan would continue to live on, even if you didn't.

In Neiji's mind, the most obvious choice was of course, Tenten. The both of them had a strong rapport extending beyond their relationship as teammates and she was pretty, cultured, capable and dependable to boot. Plus, she makes a mean cook.

The only problem was that he wasn't confident that Tenten would accept his hand. She was pretty independent, and she knew all about his clan's rules and history (neither which, he would admit, looked very good) and that might make her reconsider marrying the Hyuuga.

Sighing, he turned the corner, still pondering on how to make Tenten marry him, when he beheld the sight before him. At that moment, all thoughts of marrying Tenten flew out of his head…

**Victim No. 1: Hyuuga Neiji**

**

Chouji, Ino and Shikamaru (sans Asuma, who was away on a mission) were at the Konoha BBQ Buffet Restaurant. As usual, Chouji was busy stuffing his face with all manner of food and Ino was alternating between looking on with disgust, tempered with amusement, at Chouji's eating habits and badgering Shikamaru about Temari. Shikamaru was heartily wishing that Ino would back off. His feelings towards the sister of Gaara were not something he cared to discuss with the lively blonde.

"Eh, c'mon, Shika! Out with it already! Do you like Temari-chan or not?"

"Che! I told you already, it's none of your business! And Chouji, hands off the pork!"

Chouji reluctantly withdrew his hand from Shikamaru's plate.

"What's so hard about saying that you like her? C'mon, it's common knowledge already! Everyone knows you two have the hots for each other!"

"Troublesome," muttered Shikamaru, turning from Ino to stare at the window.

"Che!" grumbled Ino, realizing that she was not going to get any more answers out of the Nara clansman. Instead, she redirected her focus to Chouji.

"Hey, what about you, Chouji? Do you have any girl that you like?"

To Ino's great surprise, the large teammate dropped the takoyaki he was holding and bowed his head. An aura of dark dismay seemed to form around him.

"No girl would want me," he muttered darkly.

"Er…" began Ino nervously, throwing a 'Help me!' look at Shikamaru, but he was still staring out the window. "I'm sure there's someone out there who would want me. You know, maybe even a pretty girl with long hair and big eyes and-

"-And huge breasts… really huge breasts…" mumbled Chouji, staring outside the window.

"Huh?"

"Long pink hair, big green eyes and huge breasts… that's what I like…" muttered Shikamaru absently, still staring avidly out the window.

Ino's head swiveled back and forth between the two boys.

"What the- That sounds like Sakura, if she had a figure! Hey, are you guys ok? What are you guys staring outside at?"

At that moment, Shikamaru reached out an arm, placing it on top of the blonde's head and turned it towards the window.

"Eh, Shikamaru, what are you doi…" Ino's voice trailed off as she beheld the figure Shikamaru and Chouji were staring at and promptly dropped her jaw.

"FOREHEAD??!!"

**Victims No. 2 & 3: Shikamaru & Chouji**

**

Sai sat on the rooftop of his apartment, painting away on his drawing pad. Bottles of ink sat beside him, their dark contents glistening in the bright morning sun. This was one of the few rare moments of rest that the ANBU member could get and he was spending it doing the one thing he was profoundly good at.

The subjects of his drawing were down below beside the apartment building. If memory serves correctly, they were Hyuuga Hinata, Inuzuka Kiba and Aburame Shino from Team 8. The Inuzuka clansman was sitting astride his enormous pet Akamaru, with Hinata and Shino flanking on either side. Right now, Kiba and Shino seemed to be having an argument, something that the shy, reclusive Hinata was trying, and failing, to stop.

"Dammit, Shino! I still say that dogs are the best when it comes to tracking! They can detect all sorts of scents. Your male bugs can only detect the scent of the females!"

"True," conceded Shino, his voice as monotone as ever. "However, my bugs can detect the female scent from as far away as Suna. They will not get distracted by other scents. Can your dogs do that, Kiba?"

"Um… Shino-kun, Kiba-kun, can we not argue… please?" added Hinata futilely as Kiba scowled at the impassive Shino.

Sai frowned. _Hmmm… such a pointless discussion… do people really like indulging in such unnecessary arguments? Maybe I should ask Sakura-chan later on…_

As Sai made a mental note to himself, he noticed movement on the opposite side of the apartment. Looking down, he saw a flash of pink hair, as well as blonde and black. _Ah, Sakura-chan! Excellent timing!_

Just before he prepared to hop down, however, Sai noticed something was different about his pink-haired teammate. _Hmm… how interesting… maybe I should go for a closer look?_

Hopping down from the roof, Sai landed in a silent crouch in front of Sakura, startling her and her two companions. Before any of them could react, Team 8 rounded the corner, Kiba and Shino still bickering until the noticed the sight of their former classmate in front of them.

"Hey, Sakura-chan, how do you…." Kiba trailed off as he stared, jaw agape, blood spurting out of his nose.

"…" Shino was also staring, his expression for once stunned instead of his usual poker face.

Hinata simply gawped at her.

Sai took notice of none of them except to move closer to Sakura, bending down to poke at her chest.

"Sakura-chan, are these real?"

**Victims No. 4 & 5: Kiba and Shino**

**Victim of another kind: Sai (who was rushed to the ICU unit suffering severe head blows)**

**

There were only two places one could find the self-proclaimed future Hokage in the morning. As Konohamaru checked the training grounds and found it bereft of a certain yellow-haired ninja, he quickly rushed over to Ichiraku's Ramen Shop and was rewarded with the sight of his idol/rival slurping away at what seemed to be his eleventh bowl.

"Yo, Naruto-oniichan, could you teach me that new technique that you promised to?" said Konohamaru as he slipped into the seat beside Naruto.

"Yo!" greeted Naruto between mouthful of ramen. "Teach you later after I finish breakfast!"

Konohamaru eyed the bowls piled over the counter, wondering how long would it take for Naruto to finish eating his breakfast. The owner saw Konohamaru's gaze and leaned in to whisper, "He usually takes in around fifteen bowls in the morning, though I'd say he might try for twenty-five today, at the rate he's going."

"Twenty-five?! But that could take all morning! Naruto-oniichan! Come on, train me already!"

"Oi, stop pulling at my bowl! No one separates me from my ramen! Three years without it… oh, how I missed thee, ramen!" sniffed Naruto, clutching at the bowl. "Gotta make up for lost time!"

The shop bell tingled as the curtains were pulled back and Kakashi entered the shop. Upon seeing his pupil, the jounin made a bee-line for him.

"Yo, Naruto! Still eating ramen? You should add in more vegetables like I told you too."

"I hate veggies!"

"Oyaji-san, next time add more vegetables for him and make sure he eats them."

"Sure thing, sir!"

"Oi, old man! Don't listen to him!"

"And charge it to his account as well."

"Kakashi-sensei!"

Naruto glared at the Team 7 leader, who ignored it and proceeded to sit down beside his former pupil and stare rather disconcertingly at him.

"Er… Kakahshi-sensei? What are you staring at me for?"

"Naruto," said Kakashi abruptly, startling the blonde ninja, "what is Sakura-chan's favourite colour?"

Naruto and Konohamaru stared at Kakashi.

"Erm… red, I think. Why the question? Erm… Kakashi-sensei?"

Kakashi wasn't listening to him. His eyes held a faraway look as he slowly got up and muttered to himself, making to leave the shop.

"Red, huh? Hmm… not bad… not a usual colour for the ceremony… but it would suit her nicely… yes… red… mmm…"

As Kakashi left the shop, Naruto and Konohamaru continued to stare after him.

"What was that about?" asked an incredulous Konohamaru.

"Beats me…" muttered Naruto, who then simply shrugged and turned back to continue his ramen marathon, but not before the bell rung again and Hyuuga Neiji entered this time. Like Kakashi, the moment Neiji spotted Naruto, he made straight for him.

"Naruto, do you know if Sakura-chan like vanilla or chocolate ice-cream?" asked Neiji, wasting no time in greetings.

"Um… I think strawberries," replied a startled Naruto. 'Why do you want to- Oi, Neiji, I'm talking to you!"

But Neiji, after receiving his answer, immediately left just as abruptly, ignoring Naruto's call behind him. Before Naruto could recover, the bell tingled again and this time, four boys entered: Chouji, Shikamaru, Shino and Kiba. Upon perceiving the blonde, Kiba growled and pointed at him accusingly.

"Naruto, you lucky son-of-a-bitch! I'm not gonna let you get the upper hand, you hear me? Just because you are in the same team and you see her more than we do! This will be a fight between us men and whoever wins will get her hand, you understand!"

"Indeed. I am not going to hold back in getting my angel," added Shino, frowning threateningly.

"Like hell you will. I will be the one to get her!" snapped Chouji.

"Hmph. I'm not gonna laze around either. _I'll_ be the one to get her hand!" snorted Shikamaru.

Naruto was completely and utterly lost. _What the hell are these temes going on about?!_ He turned to Konohamaru for help but the look on Konohamaru's face showed that he was quite as lost as his idol.

"Well then, it starts now! The competition to win the hand of the most lovely Haruno Sakura has just begun!" roared Kiba, pumping his fist into the air. "May the best man win!"

"Hah!" snorted the other three and all four of them disappeared from the stall in a blur.

There was bewildered silence in the ramen shop. Konohamaru was still quite lost but when he turned to face Naruto, he saw that Naruto had gotten up and there was now a rather dark look on his face.

"I don't know what the hell those temes are up to, but it seems this concerns Sakura-chan. I'm gonna find her. Sorry Konohamaru, I'll train you next time. I want to find out why everyone's asking about her."

He left in a sudden blur, the twinkling of money on the shop counter the only sound left after his departure.

"Wait, I'm coming too!" yelped Konohamaru, also leaving in a blur.

The owner, who had witnessed everything, sighed and shook his head. _Ah, to be young again…_

**

**A/N**: Next update isn't confirmed, though I'll try my best to be fast. Till next time, and please review! Thanks!


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